Today, I’m feeling brave

I’ve had a lot going on…in my heart, in my head, in our house. The heavy things right now come from motherhood. I’m feeling 100 different emotions in every moment. There is nothing I want more than to see my children saved by Jesus Christ…but their little hearts and bodies need so much in the meantime. My oldest son was recently diagnosed with ADHD. With that, we’re beginning medication, and everything that goes along with it is overwhelming. My middle son suffers from extreme anxiety. It shows up in many ways, but always in his gut. The poor kid lives with constant stomach pain. My youngest, my sweet Teddy Bear, is on the Autism Spectrum. While he’s incredibly high functioning, and that’s something to be thankful for, it means getting him the therapies and services he needs is like pulling teeth. We’ve been on this road for almost 2 years now, and while we’ve made huge leaps, I feel like we still have no clear direction on how to support him best. I want to help my kids, but I’m often as a loss as to how. I want to love them and cheer them on and teach them, but it’s always a lot. I’m tired.

I’m running a small business that is dependent on my creativity. This isn’t a complaint, but a reality. Inspiration ebbs and flows, and you have to harness it when it’s available. It’s not always available. I have to keep a tight eye on my energy, my emotions, my mind and body. I have to use strength far outside of myself in order to thrive. This time of year requires more from me than I often have to give. I’m tired.

Thankful I have an incredible husband who knows and loves me, who supports and sees me. If he wasn’t my safe place to have fun in the evenings, I don’t know where I’d be. We’re truly better together, and the Lord has given me so much through my husband’s love. I only ever wish for MORE time together, MORE fun nights out, and MORE date nights in. MORE deep conversations, belly laughs, or mutually quiet car drives. It’s never enough, because I truly just love him so much. But there are two of us, and I’m not the only one who is tired. We are tired.

Painting has been so incredibly revealing and life giving for me the last few years. It’s opened by eyes to show me where my love is. It’s given me an outlet when my mind and heart need rest. It’s given me opportunities for the Lord in ways I’ve never imagined. In this season of evident burnout, putting down the paintbrush is the last thing I want to do. I’ll only paint more. My paintings are evolving in this season in a way I didn’t expect. I’m excited to see where all of it goes, but it’s a new direction. Today I’m brave enough to pursue that. Today I’m brave enough to sign a painting big and bubbly, to paint without thinking too hard, and to feel confidence in where I’m headed next. It’s incredible that even in burnout, I want to keep on creating. Creating more. Bolder. Braver.

I pray I’ll never take these gifts for granted.