I need rest.
Going to get vulnerable here. I always come back to this.
Yesterday, I sent out an email with all the big exciting things coming in March, but what I really should have shared is where my heart is aching.
I’m not very good at resting and slowing down. This has been a consistent theme in my life. I tend to pack every last minute of my schedule so I can “be a hard worker,” or “a friend who shows up,” or “a fun mom,” and “a good wife.” But, being brutally honest with myself (and clearly with you as well): giving myself no margin for rest only leaves me burned out, an absent friend and wife, and an anxious, irritable mom.
The vulnerable bit: I’m not doing very well.
I’ve been sick off and on the entire year. My joints are inflamed and excruciating. I’m not sleeping. During a dark emotional breakdown last night, I was overcome with an overwhelming peace. I wish I could put words to it, but I’m struggling to find them. As I wept and shook profusely, my body instantly relaxed as words from a recent study on Revelations washed over me. A truth that I’ve been reminded of over and over recently: all of this is temporary.
As much as I hate to admit it and want to believe I’ve completely healed and I’ve “learned” all the hard lessons…the same struggles that led me to attempted suicide at eighteen are the same struggles I’m facing now. The same way my body failed me at 17, because I was carrying too much mentally, is the same way my body has failed me numerous times in the last 20 years. With migraines, with gallbladder attacks, with inflammation, with allergies, in pregnancy with my third son, with IBS, with anxiety and depression — each time I’ve come to the realization these things were the only things that would slow me down. The Lord is at work, even in these things.
Where I’m at isn’t a fun place to be, but as I told my husband this morning, it’s also not a bad place to be. I have hope. I feel peace. I am also just incredibly weary and exhausted. I am needy and dependent on the Lord’s help for every next moment and breath.
Yesterday and the last couple of months, I have shared all the incredible opportunities that have come my way. I’ve been so blessed that my business is growing, visibility on my art expanding. I have opportunity after opportunity to collaborate with brands and galleries. Though it doesn’t always feel like it, my original paintings, the ones I love and pour my heart into, are finding new homes left and right. I’m truly living the dream.
I’m just here to remind you if you’re feeling as down and broken as I do: all the beautiful things of this world, regardless how grand, will never satisfy. They’ll never fill the void. They’ll never be enough. They will never solve the problem, or take away the pain. They will make you weary, they will run you dry. But there’s hope— this world is not our home. A time is coming where we will hear once again, “it is finished.”
I need rest. At the end of the day I’ve once again run myself ragged. While I can know and trust these truths, it doesn’t change how broken and weary I’m feeling, even in the light of day. Just because I “know” it’s all going to be okay, there is still the big truth that right now, it's not.
I’m learning slowly to allow myself to not be okay. I’m learning that rest is an essential we all need. It can’t be something I only encourage others to do — it has to be a practice I give myself as well.
Today, I’m writing rest into my calendar. I’m filling in the margins with time for margin. I know I’ll fail again, but today, I’ll try to make rest a priority.
Revelations 21:3-4 . . . 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. 4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
Revelations 21:5-6 . . . 5 And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” 6 And he said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment.
Revelations 21:22-23 . . . 22 And I saw no temple in the city, for its temple is the Lord God the Almighty and the Lamb. 23 And the city has no need of sun or moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and its lamp is the Lamb.
Revelations 22:20-21 . . . 20 He who testifies to these things says, “Surely I am coming soon.” Amen. Come, Lord Jesus! 21 The grace of the Lord Jesus be with all. Amen.
