A Story: Part 2 - Life in Color
Though I can promise my parents aren’t to blame for this, much of what I internalized my “identity” to be as a child and adolescent was that I was TOO MUCH. Too needy for attention. Too loud. Too talkative. Too emotional. Too much.
Maybe it’s the way middle children are wired, maybe I’ve blocked out a lot of the cause. Either way, I truly felt like there was a problem with who I was, to my core, in being “too much.” Into my adult life, I’ve tried to be anything but. I wanted to be no drama. I wanted to be easy to be friends with. I wanted to blend in, not stand out. I never wanted to come across as needing attention.
I think this is a big reason I never got help when I started battling depression. I lived behind a facade, pretending, and often even convincing myself that everything was fine.
Though I didn’t realize it at the time, one of the ways I tried to blend in, was by not standing out. I went from wild fashion choices to safe, quiet ones. I wouldn’t wear red, because red felt flashy. I almost felt that I couldn’t even try to be attractive. What if people felt like I was trying too hard for attention?
This deep-seated insecurity overflowed into my artwork. In the last eight years, I’ve built an identity as an artist. Soft flowy abstracts, intuitive design, and muted colors. In the last year, so much healing has begun. I shared in Part 1 of this story how the structure I’m using in my newer work has marked healing from perfectionism. The other huge marker to me of the healing I’ve experienced is the way I’ve introduced color into my work. I’m using yellows, I’m using reds, and I’m bringing new palettes to my work with paint colors I didn’t even OWN before.
I’m finding now, at 35, that I’m finally beginning to be comfortable in who God made me to be. I’m no longer trying with all my might to be someone I’m not. I have found that I have beauty and gifts to share with the world. I have found it’s okay to take up space and make some noise. I’m accepting myself for the first time, and the freedom that has come is something I’m incredibly grateful for.
This healing hasn’t happened by my own hands and hard work. It has happened slowly, often painfully. It’s happened by surrenduring the process of growth to the One who made me, me.
