winter blues.

I’ve had a rough couple of weeks. When it comes down to it, this is the first time I’ve really struggled at all mentally/emotionally since I came off my antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. I always get a little panicked when I struggle, I immediately start thinking I’ll fall right back to rock bottom. When you’ve been suicidal, and healed, there is nothing more terrifying than going back to that place. It’s why I have a hard time with suicide in movies and TV shows. “Triggers” are a thing.

I’m not suicidal. I’m not even sure I can say I’m depressed. But feeling “down” puts me on edge.

You know what helps? Painting.

I am so thankful for the artistic journey the Lord has put me on. The freedom, healing, and joy this career brings me is something I couldn’t have ever asked for. He knows what we need, even when we don’t.

As I wrestle with believing my “career” is worth pursuing, I’m constantly reminded that USING the gift I’ve been given is 100% worth my time and attention. I’m learning that walking life out in freedom instead of shame is where the Lord calls us to be. I’m learning that He gives us gifts to use, not to stifle, for His glory. I’m learning that HE IS GLORIFIED in my finding freedom and joy.

So, as I battle these winter blues…the being cold…the dark clouds…I paint. And as I paint, I have hope. I find joy. I am excited to get up and to keep going and to live out my gifts. I’m setting an example for my kids. I’m giving glory to God.